Life Change

Yet another new phase in life is starting for me. Not one that I wanted, or saw coming, but has come like a slap in the face.
One day after Trae's surgery, I recieved some news via email, that I really never saw coming. I hesitate to even write about it, because I feel so ashamed by it. But, writing it is easier than telling people one at a time. Basically, it comes down to this: I am not going to graduate in May.
I don't even really know how it happened. Everything was going along fine until the end of my last rotation. I guess the stress of Trae's surgery coming up and Chad being layed off from his job just got the best of me. I finished the semester 1 point below passing.
I have spent the last 2 weeks going from feeling crushed and like the last year and a half of my life was wasted, to feeling totally relieved. Now, even as I write this, and everytime someone brings it up, I get teary, kicking myself for the one or 2 answers I should have changed on my final that would have saved me. The truth is, I am devistated.
On the bright side, there is a chance that I can still graduate in 2010. If there is a spot, I can join the 2 year students in the fall and repeat my second year. But I wont know if I have a spot in this class until July. If there is no room, then I will have to start over, and take both years over again. Until July, I plan on getting my CNA liscence and start working somewhere to keep up my nursing skills so I can be better prepared when I finally do graduate...someday.
So, maybe God has His hand in all this, I don't know anymore. Chad and I just have had so much crap come flying at us lately, I just wonder what will come next. Who knows?

Our Hero

The first walk Trae took without crying the entire time! Progress!!

A tired boy, sleeping on his new train pillow from Mama.

Here's Trae with all his friends, including his new kitten, Peter, one day after the surgery

Progress Update

Just talked to the dr about what's going on with Trae. Here's the story from what we understand:
While Trae was in surgery, he didn't recieve any blood, which is unusual. So, they have been watching his hemoglobin levels carefully, and in the past day, they have gone down. Today it is around a 7, yesterday it was around 8. (A normal level is about 11-15). The doctors have been debating whether or not to go ahead and give him a transfusion, but so far, he hasn't. He also has some fluid around his right lung. So, today they are going to give Trae some IV medication to get rid of the fluid and make him pee more, which should also help his hemoglobin level to come up a little bit. He'll have more blood tests tomorrow, and if the level hasn't gone up yet, he will get a transfusion.
So, if all goes well, Trae should be coming home on Monday. Thank you to everyone for all your prayers. Trae, himself, is a real trooper. The only thing he hates around here is going for walks in the hallways. I don't know why, but with every walk we take, he cries the entire time. The other nurses and patients must think he's being tortured! :)
Stay tooned for more updates, and a picture or 2!

The Surgery

This morning marks 48 hours that we have been in the hospital. Trae seems to be returning to his normal self-not sleeping well and constantly asking to go home, or asking for whoever isn't here at the moment.
The surgery itself seemed to be successful, according to our surgeon, Dr Fortuna. The goal basically was to remove the thickened tissue on his septum in the left ventricle and that would be able to help the mitral valve function like it was suppost to, with minimal leaking. The doctor told us that before they closed his chest, they knew it was successful.
Trae himself has been recovering well. He took 4 walks down the hallways yesterday, crying through each one. Every time someone told him how great he was doing, he told them, "No I'm not! Don't say that!" That sounds like Trae! :)
As far as Chad and I, we are surviving. Chad has been fighting a terrible cold, so I told him to get some Nyquill and go home to sleep last night. I know he needed sleep more than anything. I escaped for about 2 hours yesterday to go home for a shower, but I've been sleeping in a rocking chair next to Trae's bed. And since Trae isn't sleeping well, neither am I. That's ok though. I'll catch up on sleep when we go home. I'm sure he will too.
So, I'm really doing ok here. Being in nursing school has made me want to learn as much as I can while I'm here, so I keep bugging the nurses with questions about what they're doing. I've only spent 2 days in the cardiac ICU, but never in the peds, so a lot of this stuff is new to me. Part of me feels guilty, like I should forget about learning right now and focus on Trae, but the nursing side of me can't shake the questions! There is still so much to learn! I can't help it!
More updates to come...

Make-a-Wish

About 5 months ago, Chad and I took Trae and Riley to the hospital for dental surgery. While we were there, we were approached by an employee, asking if we had ever been referred to the Make-a-Wish foundation. We told her no, why would we have been? Our kids are not terminal or have cancer or anything like that. She told us that she volunteers for the Make-a-Wish foundation, and knows that any child with a congential heart defect qualifies to make a wish. She asked us if we would mind if she got some information about the boys out of their charts and referred us. We, of course, said we didn't mind!
Well. that was in August, and we have been asking Trae what his wish would be. His first wish was to ride on the treespade with Papa. (Big suprise!) But, after looking through some of the papers that were given to us, one picture caught his eye. A picture of a little girl swimming with dolphins. He immediately got excited and said, "I want to do that!" So, for 5 months now, he's been talking about going to the beach and swimming with dolphins.
Finally, tonight we met with 3 ladies from the Make-a-Wish foundation about granting Trae and Riley a wish. And, sure enough, Trae told them that he wished to go to the beach and swim with dolphins. After they "interviewed" Trae, they asked us a ton of questions, told us they would buy us new luggage (since we've never been anywhere, we don't have much), and we would be picked up and taken to the airport in a limo!
We are beyond excited! I feel like one of those people on TV who win a fabulous trip and you wonder what they did to deserve that prize. I don't know what I did to deserve this trip, but I am so so thankful for it! I remember talking to Chad last summer, saying, "We need a vacation so badly" knowing that we couldn't afford anything right now. God definately heard us and answered a prayer we didn't even know we were praying!
So, right now, we don't know when exactly we are going. It really depends on me and when I am taking my boards after graduation. And we don't know where we're going yet. Florida? Hawaii? California? Any suggestions for a good family resort? :)

Thanksgiving

This weekend, I experienced something that I haven't felt in a very long time. I can't even remember the last time that I felt this. I was relaxed.

Chad and I and the boys went to visit my grandma for Thanksgiving this year in Iowa. I hadn't been able to visit her since Christmas last year, and Chad hadn't been there since Thanksgiving 2 years ago, so we figured it was time. We also knew that with Trae's surgery coming up, we weren't going to be able to visit her for Christmas this year. The boys had been counting down the days for the past month, very excited to take a trip to see Grandma. The trip, of course, started out stressful. (Don't all family trips?) I woke up with a cold the morning we were suppost to leave, Cera (the dog) had her puppies early, so now we weren't quite sure what to do with them, and of course, there was the usual cleaning and laundry that needed to be done before we left, we still needed an oil change in the van. And with all that, we got on the road only about 2 hours later than when we wanted to leave!

I didn't expect it to be that exciting of a trip, honestly. Just 2 nights away, see some family, catch up with grandma and come home. But after eating our Thanksgiving dinner, sitting with Chad while he watched football, I realized something. At that moment, I was relaxed.

For the past...year or more, I have felt like I have been running a marathon. Being in nursing school while taking care of my family has been harder for me than I ever could have thought! I constantly have lists running through my head of what needs to be done today, who do I need to call, what needs to be turned in for school, what is coming up, what do we need at the store, do I have anything to make for supper. And with everything we have been through with Chad's job, I find myself thinking, "God, can we ever catch a break?!"

Well, I don't know about catching a break, but I did get a small breather this weekend. It was so nice to just be away from everything. Just for 2 days, to not have to worry about anything. No school, no doctors appointments, no job, just us. So, this year, I think I am thankful for the little breathers God gives us. When I think I can't take anymore, and pray, "God, please, I need a break!" He heard me.

Update on Life

Many of you may already know this, but we have finally scheduled open heart surgery for Trae. We will be going in on December 10th, and we are told that he will be there anywhere from 3-5 days. That seems a little short to me for having major surgery, but we'll see how things go. The surgery itself will take about 4-5 hours. Basically what they are going to do is remove the part of the muscle that has thickened, and they are hoping that that will correct the other problems that go along with this diagnosis, such as his mitral vavle leaking.
I have tried to talk to Trae about what is going on, and what is going to happen, but I'm not sure he understands. At this point, he seems to be more curious about his medication, and why he has to take it and not Luke. (Luke keeps telling me that his heart is beating too hard, and he needs some too!) I knew that day would come, when I would have to explain what is wrong and why he has to take medicine every day. When I imagined being a parent, this was one thing that I did not imagine. I think before I really sit down and tell him what is really going to happen, I'll wait until the surgery date is closer. I don't want to freak him out when we still have 2 months to wait....I just can't believe this is actually happening.
So, for me, my goal right now is to just finish the semester. I already talked to my instructor about taking my final early. I am actually going through my cardiac rotation while dealing with the cardiologist and surgeon, so it has been very overwhelming. The day after Trae got an echo and I talked with his cardiologist about surgery, I actually had to walk out of class. I was sitting there, almost in tears, and I just knew I could not handle listening to a 3 hour lecture about heart failure that day! So, I didn't.
My second goal is to get all my Christmas shopping done before the surgery. But we'll see if that one actually happens!

Life at the Moment

Only about 10 days until school starts, and I already feel like my days are in a whirlwind! It's actually only one week until school starts for Trae and Luke - they go for an hour next Friday. But between now and then, there just seems to be an endless list of errands and appointments. Books to buy for myself, school supplies to buy for them, and in the middle of everything, the dental surgery at St Francis for Trae and Riley.
I haven't told many people that Riley is getting dental work done, mainly because I've felt embarressed by it. I feel like it's my own fault that they both have cavities and have/are getting teeth pulled. I've just never been able to understand why Luke has a wonderful set of teeth, and never has had a cavity, and Trae and Riley's are so bad. They all eat the same food, they all brush their teeth at the same time every day. So, what's the deal? Who knows? Only God knows really. I guess the only thing I can do is just keep making sure to brush, floss, and rinse their little mouths everyday and pray for God's protection and healing over their teeth.
And if all this weren't enough to deal with, I am actually starting my last year of nursing school!!! I truely can't believe that I have made it through the past year. And I honestly don't know how I will make it through the next one, but I know I will somehow. I have a crappy clinical schedule - mostly on second shift for the first 2/3 of the semester. (Either 1-9pm or 1-10pm) It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have 3 kids to get up and get ready for school early the next morning. But, I just have to trust that God knew what He was doing and know that it's not forever. I'll make it, and I will graduate on May 16!!!
These are my goals I've written down for the semester:
1) No lower than a B (83%) on every test
2) Finish RNRS 220 with a B or better
3)Do my own thorough assessment of every patient assigned to me, no matter what the report may say
4) Do a better job of listening to my patients and anticipating their needs, even before they tell me what they need
5) Take the initive - don't wait to be asked to do something or wait for someone else to do it
6) Take advantage of every learning opportunity given to me, no matter how small it may be

I think it's gonna be a great year! :)

What the?!

Well, today I was having a pretty decent morning. Only one spill during breakfast - not bad. I was on my way to the basement, and stopped to let Sara (the dog) outside to do her buisness, when I something caught my eye. Scattered all over the driveway was about 100 little matchbox cars, Thomas trains, and Lincoln logs! Little did I know that while the boys were "playing" up in their room earlier, they had opened a window and decided to start tossing their toys out!
Honestly, where do they come up with these ideas?! Luke's excuse to me was that there was a bug in the window, so they HAD to open it! And if the window is already open, why not start throwing things? So, needless to say, we all (Riley included) went outside and I sat while they picked up everything. Then we came inside and they got to stare at the wall while I enjoyed the silence.
Sometimes, those boys still just shock me. I would love to know what goes on inside those little minds of theirs. And how do you punish them for something like that? How can I possibly get across to them the concept of having respect for their things? Let along, my things too. You really don't realize what a hard job it is to be a parent until you are one. Until you are the one having to come up with a punishment off the top of your head, but still trying not to act on your anger!
I'm just thankful that the van wasn't parked directly below their window, like it usually is, otherwise we may have been replacing a window or 2!

7 already!

My baby is 7 years old now. Is that even possible?! Chad and I have always believed that God must have a huge plan for this boy. With everything he has already gone through, I have always believed that satan must be trying to get this little guy down, so God must have something huge in store for him. And I still believe that with all my heart.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TRAE!!!

Surgery

Today was the day of Riley's surgery for his hydrocele hernia. It was just a quick, out-patient procedure, but it still ended up being a long day. It started at 4:45 when Riley woke up wanting his bottle. Of course, he wasn't allowed to have anything to eat or drink this morning, so we couldn't give him his bottle (of water). We were at the hospital by 6:30, and they were wheeling him into the OR by 8. It only took an hour and we ended up being able to leave by 11. Not too bad.

I realized something when I was sitting in the post-op room holding Riley. I realized that I have sat in that room, watching my boys wake up from anesthesia 8 times. Today was number 8. Trae has had 6 surgeries and this is Riley's #2. In August will be #9 and 10 with Trae and Riley's dental surgeries and Trae's heart surgery will be #11. Wow. So, today I have just been wondering why. A lot of parent's will never have to sit in that room waiting for their child to wake up. Why did God choose me? Why did He think that I would be strong enough? Don't get me wrong, I think I am strong enough. I really was fine today - I wasn't crying or anything like that. I just wonder what makes me so special that God would give me the job of being a mother to these precious boys, and what made him know that I would be able to handle everything they have had to go through. I really don't know. But it is a job that I will gladly take on. I don't like seeing them being wheeled into surgery. It's actually a horrible feeling, putting your child's life in the hands of strangers. But, I guess being a parent is knowing what is best for your kids, even if it will be uncomfortable for them for a while. Maybe sitting on the other side of the hospital bed will help me to be a better nurse to my patients and their families.

By the way, if you're wondering what Trae's 6 surgeries are: Hernia's on both sides (age 17m and 5 yr), on his finger when the tip got cut off when it was shut in a door ( age 3), dental surgery (age 5), his adenoids removed and blood vessels cauterized in his nose to stop his weekly nose bleeds (both age 6). Quite a lot for a little boy!

Crazy Weekend

Last weekend started on Friday about 1 in the afternoon, when I got a phone call from Chad. He told me he was having chest pain pretty badly, and was going in to Proctor First Care.
"Um, no you're not! Go to the ER!" (me)
"Are you sure I should?" (Chad)
"YES! If you go to Proctor, they will just send you to the ER anyway!" (me)
So, after 2 sprays of nitro, he started feeling a lot better. However, they did end up admitting him because of his extensive cardiac history and the fact that he was in a-fib. (Atrial Fibrillation)
The cardiologist told us that he wanted us to stay for observation for 24 hours, and amazingly enough, we ended up being there exactly 24 hours! After all his blood tests, and a stress echo came back fine, they let us go home.
It really got me thinking about my nursing career, though. For the past year, I have known that my cardiac rotation was coming up (this fall semester). I really thought that it would be really hard for me to go through that rotation. Because, of course, of the situations that 3 of the 4 men in my life face everyday. I didn't think I even wanted to hear about it. But, being by Chad's bedside, seeing the meds they put him on, the tests they ordered, and watching his heartrate and other vitals, it really became just the opposite for me. I wanted to know everything I could learn about. I went home and looked up all his meds, including IV meds, and figured out why he was on each one of them. I read all I could about A-fib and angina (chest pain) in my nursing books.
So, anyway, I'm not 100% on this yet, but I think I want to be a cardiac nurse. I would love to be able to go to Trae and Riley's appointments and talk to the doctor in a way that Chad has no idea what we are talking about! :) That doesn't change the fact that I am still scared to death and completely thankful that I still have a year left of someone constantly looking over my shoulder. But, now when people ask me what I want to do with my nursing education, I have an answer for them! Yaa!

Trae and Riley

Well, I started this blog page mainly to keep everyone informed about Trae and Riley and anything going on with them and their health. So, here's the latest update on Trae and our latest doctor's apppointment.
For anyone who might not know, Trae and Riley have the same heart condition. It's called hypertrophic cardiomyopathy. Basically, that means that the left ventricle of their hearts is too thick. Their heart has to work harder to fill up and empty completely, and if the muscle were to get too thick, it could block blood flow. They are both on the same medication (different doses, of course), a beta-blocker, to slow down their heart, so it doesn't have to work as hard.
We've been going to the cardiologist since both of them were babies. We usually go about every 6 months for an EKG and sometimes an Echo, sometimes a chest xray. Riley's condition is fine right now. The medication is helping, and everything looks fine.
Last summer, however, after doing an echo on Trae, our physician told us that his condition had progressed quite a bit, and his heart was getting thicker. After showing the echo to the other cardiologists and surgeons, they decided that surgery would be the best option for Trae right now. It isn't urgent at this point, but it is something that needs to be fixed. We decided to wait for a while - Trae and I were both starting school. Well, it's been about a year now, and there hasn't been any change in his condition - for better or worse. So, we have decided to go ahead with the surgery. The problem now is that Trae has some dental work scheduled for Aug, and our doctor would like that to be moved up and done before having open heart surgery. Having his mouth cleaned up would lower the risk for infection. (He's having 2 cavities fixed in the hospital, because he refuses to sit and let them do it in the office)
So...if we can get the dental surgery moved up, then we will be doing the heart surgery shortly after, hopefully by the end of July. If not, then we will probably wait again so that he doesn't have to miss a lot of school. Christmas break maybe. We'll see what happens.
As for Riley, he is having a minor surgery done on June 20th to repair a hernia. We have been through this exact operation 3 times already. Trae had this type of hernia (hydrocele inguinal hernia) on both sides, and Riley has already had this on his right side. So, we're not too nervous, but we do want it to be done with.
If I've confused anyone or any questions, just ask! And thanks in advance for all your prayers!

First time

I have no idea if anyone will actually take the time to read this, or even find it! But, since things in our lives seem to change in an instant, I though this might be an easier way to keep all of you informed. I also thought it might be a good way to keep everyone informed about Trae and Riley and their health - any changes that come along.
So, here's to happy blogging! And if any of you actually take the time to read this, thank you! :)