Life Change

Yet another new phase in life is starting for me. Not one that I wanted, or saw coming, but has come like a slap in the face.
One day after Trae's surgery, I recieved some news via email, that I really never saw coming. I hesitate to even write about it, because I feel so ashamed by it. But, writing it is easier than telling people one at a time. Basically, it comes down to this: I am not going to graduate in May.
I don't even really know how it happened. Everything was going along fine until the end of my last rotation. I guess the stress of Trae's surgery coming up and Chad being layed off from his job just got the best of me. I finished the semester 1 point below passing.
I have spent the last 2 weeks going from feeling crushed and like the last year and a half of my life was wasted, to feeling totally relieved. Now, even as I write this, and everytime someone brings it up, I get teary, kicking myself for the one or 2 answers I should have changed on my final that would have saved me. The truth is, I am devistated.
On the bright side, there is a chance that I can still graduate in 2010. If there is a spot, I can join the 2 year students in the fall and repeat my second year. But I wont know if I have a spot in this class until July. If there is no room, then I will have to start over, and take both years over again. Until July, I plan on getting my CNA liscence and start working somewhere to keep up my nursing skills so I can be better prepared when I finally do graduate...someday.
So, maybe God has His hand in all this, I don't know anymore. Chad and I just have had so much crap come flying at us lately, I just wonder what will come next. Who knows?

Our Hero

The first walk Trae took without crying the entire time! Progress!!

A tired boy, sleeping on his new train pillow from Mama.

Here's Trae with all his friends, including his new kitten, Peter, one day after the surgery

Progress Update

Just talked to the dr about what's going on with Trae. Here's the story from what we understand:
While Trae was in surgery, he didn't recieve any blood, which is unusual. So, they have been watching his hemoglobin levels carefully, and in the past day, they have gone down. Today it is around a 7, yesterday it was around 8. (A normal level is about 11-15). The doctors have been debating whether or not to go ahead and give him a transfusion, but so far, he hasn't. He also has some fluid around his right lung. So, today they are going to give Trae some IV medication to get rid of the fluid and make him pee more, which should also help his hemoglobin level to come up a little bit. He'll have more blood tests tomorrow, and if the level hasn't gone up yet, he will get a transfusion.
So, if all goes well, Trae should be coming home on Monday. Thank you to everyone for all your prayers. Trae, himself, is a real trooper. The only thing he hates around here is going for walks in the hallways. I don't know why, but with every walk we take, he cries the entire time. The other nurses and patients must think he's being tortured! :)
Stay tooned for more updates, and a picture or 2!

The Surgery

This morning marks 48 hours that we have been in the hospital. Trae seems to be returning to his normal self-not sleeping well and constantly asking to go home, or asking for whoever isn't here at the moment.
The surgery itself seemed to be successful, according to our surgeon, Dr Fortuna. The goal basically was to remove the thickened tissue on his septum in the left ventricle and that would be able to help the mitral valve function like it was suppost to, with minimal leaking. The doctor told us that before they closed his chest, they knew it was successful.
Trae himself has been recovering well. He took 4 walks down the hallways yesterday, crying through each one. Every time someone told him how great he was doing, he told them, "No I'm not! Don't say that!" That sounds like Trae! :)
As far as Chad and I, we are surviving. Chad has been fighting a terrible cold, so I told him to get some Nyquill and go home to sleep last night. I know he needed sleep more than anything. I escaped for about 2 hours yesterday to go home for a shower, but I've been sleeping in a rocking chair next to Trae's bed. And since Trae isn't sleeping well, neither am I. That's ok though. I'll catch up on sleep when we go home. I'm sure he will too.
So, I'm really doing ok here. Being in nursing school has made me want to learn as much as I can while I'm here, so I keep bugging the nurses with questions about what they're doing. I've only spent 2 days in the cardiac ICU, but never in the peds, so a lot of this stuff is new to me. Part of me feels guilty, like I should forget about learning right now and focus on Trae, but the nursing side of me can't shake the questions! There is still so much to learn! I can't help it!
More updates to come...

Make-a-Wish

About 5 months ago, Chad and I took Trae and Riley to the hospital for dental surgery. While we were there, we were approached by an employee, asking if we had ever been referred to the Make-a-Wish foundation. We told her no, why would we have been? Our kids are not terminal or have cancer or anything like that. She told us that she volunteers for the Make-a-Wish foundation, and knows that any child with a congential heart defect qualifies to make a wish. She asked us if we would mind if she got some information about the boys out of their charts and referred us. We, of course, said we didn't mind!
Well. that was in August, and we have been asking Trae what his wish would be. His first wish was to ride on the treespade with Papa. (Big suprise!) But, after looking through some of the papers that were given to us, one picture caught his eye. A picture of a little girl swimming with dolphins. He immediately got excited and said, "I want to do that!" So, for 5 months now, he's been talking about going to the beach and swimming with dolphins.
Finally, tonight we met with 3 ladies from the Make-a-Wish foundation about granting Trae and Riley a wish. And, sure enough, Trae told them that he wished to go to the beach and swim with dolphins. After they "interviewed" Trae, they asked us a ton of questions, told us they would buy us new luggage (since we've never been anywhere, we don't have much), and we would be picked up and taken to the airport in a limo!
We are beyond excited! I feel like one of those people on TV who win a fabulous trip and you wonder what they did to deserve that prize. I don't know what I did to deserve this trip, but I am so so thankful for it! I remember talking to Chad last summer, saying, "We need a vacation so badly" knowing that we couldn't afford anything right now. God definately heard us and answered a prayer we didn't even know we were praying!
So, right now, we don't know when exactly we are going. It really depends on me and when I am taking my boards after graduation. And we don't know where we're going yet. Florida? Hawaii? California? Any suggestions for a good family resort? :)

Thanksgiving

This weekend, I experienced something that I haven't felt in a very long time. I can't even remember the last time that I felt this. I was relaxed.

Chad and I and the boys went to visit my grandma for Thanksgiving this year in Iowa. I hadn't been able to visit her since Christmas last year, and Chad hadn't been there since Thanksgiving 2 years ago, so we figured it was time. We also knew that with Trae's surgery coming up, we weren't going to be able to visit her for Christmas this year. The boys had been counting down the days for the past month, very excited to take a trip to see Grandma. The trip, of course, started out stressful. (Don't all family trips?) I woke up with a cold the morning we were suppost to leave, Cera (the dog) had her puppies early, so now we weren't quite sure what to do with them, and of course, there was the usual cleaning and laundry that needed to be done before we left, we still needed an oil change in the van. And with all that, we got on the road only about 2 hours later than when we wanted to leave!

I didn't expect it to be that exciting of a trip, honestly. Just 2 nights away, see some family, catch up with grandma and come home. But after eating our Thanksgiving dinner, sitting with Chad while he watched football, I realized something. At that moment, I was relaxed.

For the past...year or more, I have felt like I have been running a marathon. Being in nursing school while taking care of my family has been harder for me than I ever could have thought! I constantly have lists running through my head of what needs to be done today, who do I need to call, what needs to be turned in for school, what is coming up, what do we need at the store, do I have anything to make for supper. And with everything we have been through with Chad's job, I find myself thinking, "God, can we ever catch a break?!"

Well, I don't know about catching a break, but I did get a small breather this weekend. It was so nice to just be away from everything. Just for 2 days, to not have to worry about anything. No school, no doctors appointments, no job, just us. So, this year, I think I am thankful for the little breathers God gives us. When I think I can't take anymore, and pray, "God, please, I need a break!" He heard me.

Update on Life

Many of you may already know this, but we have finally scheduled open heart surgery for Trae. We will be going in on December 10th, and we are told that he will be there anywhere from 3-5 days. That seems a little short to me for having major surgery, but we'll see how things go. The surgery itself will take about 4-5 hours. Basically what they are going to do is remove the part of the muscle that has thickened, and they are hoping that that will correct the other problems that go along with this diagnosis, such as his mitral vavle leaking.
I have tried to talk to Trae about what is going on, and what is going to happen, but I'm not sure he understands. At this point, he seems to be more curious about his medication, and why he has to take it and not Luke. (Luke keeps telling me that his heart is beating too hard, and he needs some too!) I knew that day would come, when I would have to explain what is wrong and why he has to take medicine every day. When I imagined being a parent, this was one thing that I did not imagine. I think before I really sit down and tell him what is really going to happen, I'll wait until the surgery date is closer. I don't want to freak him out when we still have 2 months to wait....I just can't believe this is actually happening.
So, for me, my goal right now is to just finish the semester. I already talked to my instructor about taking my final early. I am actually going through my cardiac rotation while dealing with the cardiologist and surgeon, so it has been very overwhelming. The day after Trae got an echo and I talked with his cardiologist about surgery, I actually had to walk out of class. I was sitting there, almost in tears, and I just knew I could not handle listening to a 3 hour lecture about heart failure that day! So, I didn't.
My second goal is to get all my Christmas shopping done before the surgery. But we'll see if that one actually happens!